- February 5th, 2006
today.really sucks. im stuck at home all day doing nothing. no fun at all. i can't go over anyone's house because i just can't. here's a reason.
Nicole is never home.
Colleen is probably busy hanging out with her boyfriend
I have no idea where moe lives(i forget)
...and..im out of options there. i can't call alexandria cause she is probably hanging out with her boyfriend too. what's with people having boyfriends all of a sudden. well hopefully they wont end up like me finding out that my ex is worse than i expected. never trust anyone easily. for i made a mistake and left the problem before anything bad happened. im so glad i got out of it. he is a real jerk and i hope i never see him again. and if he reads this i'll be happy. cause i can never be friends with him. once someone does something to break my trust, i can't talk to or see them. so my friend was right. "get to know people first". i did not listen and i was stupid for that and i regret even saying "yes" when my ex asked me out in december. i should have been smart and said no but i wasn't thinking. please listen, some actions have consequences. and those consequences can be horrible.
im so scared to get in a relationship with someone else now b/c of what happened in the last one. im just hoping one day someone will make me believe that they are not like my ex and they meant it. people who lie can go break someone else's heart. but im sure no one i know likes me...unless someone is hiding a secret from the world o.o most of the people who like me have made horrible decisions in the past but have changed. well they haven't changed completely. they'll always remember what they did. im not sure what though. people see me as a ray of light. they look at me and see someone so "pure" whatever that means. it's true that my parents were very strict and disciplinary and that is a good thing. but, since im like that, i know nothing. but knowing nothing might be a good thing because then i wont have to worry about bad things and can focus better things. i....just wish i could find someone who is like me..who hasn't made a horrible horrible decision in their life..but you dont see a lot of people these days. i hate it when people put themselves in a group or "trend". i also hate to see people not even try in school. i think everyone should give a little effort. even if their life is messed up, just dont worry and live life positivly but of course, NO ONE IS GONNA READ THIS STUPID LONG ENTRY. i just keep on getting this image in my head of me just running free without a worry in the world..and i see this other person or figure, but i can't see who or what its like a blurred image. where is my courage? i need one push forward and i would feel like i could do anything but..where am i gonna get that courage? is it hiding somewhere? "spring wind breathe in a breeze" that phrase helps me get through. its sort of my motto type thing. i am sensing that something is missing and everytime i think about it, i want to know what it is that is missing. is it something missing in the image? in my life? i have a feeling that im gonna find out what it is that is missing in the near future which could be very soon. or not. could be this year next year, in 2 years who knows. well.
im finished now. bye.